Day 5- I want a smoke?

I quit smoking on February 1. This is a task that ought not be very hard, to be honest. When I first got to Philly, I went weeks without smoking. Then I started to smoke pretty infrequently. Then it got more frequent. Then my chest started to hurt. And oh yeah, I smelled bad. And it's really cold and running outside to get my fix was so unpleasant. And boy oh boy, aren't cigarettes expensive these days? And who wants emphysema in their future? Or cancer? Not this girl.

Yeah, I know. There are at least ten million reasons not to smoke. But that doesn't make it much easier. I mean, not when you picked up a nasty habit at the age of 16 and kept with it for a good couple of years after that. And I've gone through my periods of non-smoking. And I've gone through my periods of smoking a lot. And I've gone through my "just one or two a day". But maybe one or two a day is one or two too many.

So I quit. I figure if I can make it through the month of February, I can make it. And dammit, I will make it through the month of February. I mean, I picked this month as a sort of homage to my mother. So I will make it.

But I've been dreaming. Terrible dreams. I told Krystina that just the other day I had a dream that Bradley Cooper went out with us and cajoled me into a cigarette. And I cried when I smoked that cigarette in my dream. I got very angry with myself and threw it in the gutter and cried. I woke up feeling so strange.

I dreamed something similar last night. Not quite so dramatic. But I went out for drinks with co-workers and somebody offered me a cigarette and I took it and smiled. But I only had a puff or two before throwing that one out, too.

Why am I dreaming about cigarettes? Do people do this when they quit? I mean, to be honest, I haven't even been smoking that much recently. And it hasn't been that long since I've had a cigarette. So why these dreams where I give in to the temptation and am immediately racked with guilt? They're terrifying in a sense.

Today's episode of "Friends" was the one where Chandler started to smoke again, much to the chagrin of all the rest of the crew. After listening to everybody's reasons the entire episode he gets to the end and tells them he doesn't care because "smoking is cool!" It's kind of hilarious. And kind of made me think. And kind of made me sad.

Smoking isn't cool. (Except that it is. And it's kind of fun.) Even if you do think smoking is cool, though, it surely isn't cool enough to risk all the terrible things that may come from it later. So I quit.

Stay tuned to see if I can make it another 495 days without a cigarette.